I have been working towards this moment for six months… in more ways than one.
I’ve been working with Heather now for almost six months. She’s been monitoring my bandaging, taking care of my massage therapy, measurements, and answering all of my questions (day and night). I’m so thankful to have found her and have her as a part of my care team.
After almost 3.5 months of bandaging, I have been able to transition to a daytime garment (and soon to be a nighttime garment). This will minimize my bandaging to 1-2 nights and 1-2 days per week. (The Heather-recommended weekly amount.) This puts my transition right up against my Oral Fixations performance… the looming date in the background. It has been a push/pull with this date. I wanted to be in a garment for the performance, but didn’t want to fixate on the date if my leg wasn’t ready for a garment. How does that phrase go? If you start talking about wanting something to happen then God will laugh at you? (Or something like that.) That. Right. I was going to let my leg do it’s thing and if it was ready then great. If it wasn’t, then I was going to be bandaging for the show… that would have been quite the effect. Eesh.
I’ve been working on my piece for Oral Fixations for about six months at this point. With all of the edits and drafts and version, I have over 100-pages of iteration. A lot of it is the same, but a lot of it has changed. I haven’t yet let myself go back and read through my early drafts.
At any rate, with all of the transition, and changes, and out of my comfort zone moments, this performance will be an emotional one for me. A sort of climbing to the top of the hill and looking down on the other, steeper, side. Though I am performing, and telling my broken record story (the one that I tell on this blog), I will then have to deal with that story now being public. Of course, walking out onto the street wearing my Stemwear makes it public, but the video goes online, the 400-something people in the audience will see it and know about it… viscerally… and I will be faced with the very real idea that this condition is 100% a part of me. And it’s not going to be going away any time soon. The only thing that this condition can do is get worse… I’m doing the best that I can to make it the best that it can be.
This isn’t a light-bulb moment… it’s just reality. But, I’ve never been so public about it… until now.
And with that, I’m grateful for the opportunity. I’m grateful for all of the people who are coming to the show tomorrow night to support me. And I am grateful that my story has an uplifting and positive ending. Though I rant on this blog (I’ve gotta take my frustrations out somewhere…) my attitude towards this condition is about folding it back into my life… roll with the punches… even if those punches sometimes feel incessant.
Wednesday, May 2, 2018. #brokenrecord @orallyfixated Moody Performance Hall.